Anorexia – Her story ‘I was hungry to be alive. I was hungry to nourish my soul again in light of my newfound meaning in life.’
I was lying down on my bed when I suddenly heard a new voice pronounce loudly and clearly “You are going to die”. It was a voice within me and I was only 14. I knew this was serious, a seriously defining moment of my life. It took a few more moments for me to realize the detail of how and why I would die. Yet here it was, the unmistaken knowing that I would soon die of malnourishment.
Prior to this moment, I had spent many nights and many days in anguish in response to the loud voice of anorexia drumming its tyrannical words into me. This voice persistently told me that I was unlovable unless I was perfect and that I had to do absolutely everything to avoid becoming fat like my mom, or else I’d be shamefully rejected. The truth was, I already felt unworthy and not good enough. The criticism I received from my parents had me fooled into believing that I had to become better in order to earn their love. I lived in the hope of one day feeling a smidgeon of love when I succeed. I was caught in the illusion of fulfilling an expectation that could never be met. So Anorexia was a double-edged knife; I was more free of these expectations now, yet experiencing the mental hell reflecting my utter self-loathing that was so extreme all I wanted was to die.
However, almost on my fifteenth birthday this new voice was here and warning me. Later, I came to realise that it was the first moment of my life that I had become aware of my Inner Being, Higher Self or God-Source. If there was any moment I needed to hear this voice, it was now. Faced with the reality of death I decided that day that I really wanted to live. Everything changed from that moment on and I began to listen to this voice. The voice of my Inner Being guided me to the next step of my recovery, and then the next. Finally I had something better to listen to than the destructive voice of the inner critic. Step by step, each moment revealed the perfect solution for me and my wellness.
I began to feel hope, where once I felt the devastating futility of being imprisoned by the negativity of my thoughts and beliefs, as though they were real. The clarity of my connection with Source also revealed to me many insights about the family dynamics and my specific mindset that had contributed to the onset of anorexia. This truly was simply a disorder of the soul, a disconnect from Source as a result of believing the negative thoughts so much that there was no room to hear the essence of who I really am.
Through the guidance of my Inner Being, I cured myself in the space of months. Typically anorexia takes years, if not decades, to shift, if at all. It also requires the support of multiple therapists. This was not the case with me. I did it completely and purely by listening to myself and truly trusting. I’m thankful to my parents and to the therapists who had no idea about what was at the roots of all this, because it forced me to connect to everything for myself. To me, the surface treatment of “You must eat three meals a day” was a joke. My healing was supported tremendously by the awareness and insights I was having of what had happened, and the way we as humans function in our mental and emotional realms .
I felt such deep satisfaction when years later I read a few books by top psychologists on anorexia (which was by now in vogue). As I read, I appreciated that everything I had come to realise for myself around this experience was in alignment with what top therapists were now sharing in their latest books.
Everything truly is a gift. Part of my recovery lead me into passionately playing with raw foods, learning about nutrition, growing my own herbs and sprouts in my bedroom as well as reading every personal development book I could get my hands on. My parents thought I was crazy growing various jars of sprouts on my window sill, but for once what they thought no longer mattered.
I was hungry to be alive. I was hungry to nourish my soul again in light of my newfound meaning in life. Weeks after my radical awakening, I found myself beaming with ecstasy for what seemed like weeks or even months on end, unable to stop smiling with fortitude and gratitude. I felt really alive for the first time in my life. I knew that here in my fifteenth year of life I was finally free, where once I thought I could never be.
A few years on and this path blossomed into a career as a biochemist. Then, as I followed my heart’s desires, I became a naturopath, herbalist and nutritionist with my own clinics at the age of 23. Not long after, this body and physical health focus felt somewhat shallow and I became drawn to life coaching and various psychotherapeutic modalities. I didn’t really know where I was being lead, but I knew that all this study felt good in my heart.
One day, at the age of 26 my Inner Being spoke just as loudly as it had that day 12 years ago, “You must put all this together and create a health retreat where people can get away and truly heal at the deepest level through a range of holistic therapies.” Not long after I manifested building and creating my own health retreat focused on mental and emotional wellness.
For the last 10 years I have worked one-on-one with close to a thousand people on the foundation of their mindset in a way where each individual can be free like me, living in their power and being provided with the exact tools that support the experience of feeling good from within, now.
If it wasn’t for the anorexia I would not be on this truly amazing path. When you make your connection to Source, or your Inner Being, a daily practice, you always discover this perfection at the deepest, most satisfying, juicy and joyful level. My Inner Being is the best friend that never leaves me and the peaceful voice that always feeds me, with love.
Inspirational Dynamo. Lavish Writer. Wild Creatrix.
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